Saturday, March 19, 2011

I have joy.

"Sara? Is Sara here?" I remember looking up from my desk during homeroom my very first day of high-school, with some trepidation and a bit of anticipation.

"Here." A single syllable, and one that was meant to be uttered truthfully. But if I'm being honest? I wasn't there. I was anywhere but there. I was too busy trying to figure out my schedule to listen to the teacher tell us the rules, was too busy thinking about the cute boy sitting two seats up to think about the morning prayer, and I was too busy thinking of all the things to come to realize that I? Wasn't there. I'll get back to this in a minute, so stay with me.

Anyways, high-school was a wholly terrifying experience for me.

I didn't quite know how to fit in. Underdeveloped, glasses that could have doubled as petri dishes, and an unfortunate habit of falling were among the least of my concerns during what is oft referred to as 'the best years of my life.'

I'm telling you, World. If those were the best years of my life I might as well just give the fuck up right now.

Seeing as how no lightening has struck me down yet, I'm gunna assume that the Big Guy has better plans for me and that there will, in fact, be better years ahead.

Anyways, the point is, I didn't exactly fit in. Everyone else in art class attempted to make artwork that reflected them. They tried to "express themselves".

I? Made dragons. Because c'mon now...dragons are kickass and kind of awesome. I remember my teacher walking over to where I was carefully laying strips of paper mache over wire.

"Sara. What are you making?" I leaned back slightly to look at her.

"Uhm. Dragon."

"Sara, that's not what the assignment was. You're supposed to express yourself - you need to let us know who you are. I suggest you start over." With a disdainful sniff and the clatter of her cheap ugly heels, she turned and went back to her desk.

I looked at my poor half-constructed reptilian friend, and dismantled him. Started over. Made something suitably expressive. Got an A.

That's pretty much how high-school went for me. Go to class, try to fit in, fail miserably. Go home. Wake up, repeat.

And then I hit college. All of a sudden I was exposed to people from other cultures, I had the chance to get involved in intellectual discussions, I was able to be myself without being looked at like there was something intrinsically wrong with me.

But I didn't.

I didn't step out of my box and get to know my classmates, and I didn't debate and cause hell. I went to class, stayed silent, took my notes and passed my tests. I met a few friends along the way - I even still talk to a few of them, and I'm lucky enough to count at least one as a good friend. I graduated with my BA in anthropology (perhaps one of the biggest ironies in my life thus far is that my degree is in the study of something that I never quite felt a part of - culture).

I had a few boyfriends through college and after it. I've learned something different from every one, and I have the great fortune of genuinely saying that they? Are all really nice guys. I don't regret a thing.

I found myself drifting recently. Depression set in, and I began drinking far too much. I contemplated doing something that I swore to myself that I'd never do to myself ever again. I looked at myself in the mirror and saw nothing. An absolute void of a person, with no notable accomplishments to date and no reason to exist.

I was wrong.

All my life I've had people telling me who I am, what I should do, what's appropriate and what's not. I've had people judge me based off my job, and I've had people tell me what I should think about this, that or the other. And I? Am sick of it.

I have plans. Big ones. And I will accomplish them in my own time. When I, and no one else, am ready for them. I'm so tired of sophomoric, needless drama that does nothing other than inhibit who and what I am - all so that other people can give me the great "benefit" of their "advice."

In short, I'm done with giving a fuck.

I am done with trying to be this person that I think people will like. I'm done with saying 'here' without really meaning it. I'm done with making a suitable facsimile of what people think I should be.

I'm going to be a mother-fucking dragon if I damn well want to be.

And it is in this revelation that I've finally found my joy. And my groove.

I finally got my groove back.

Time to accomplish something great.


  1. You're awesome! That is all! You don't need to be anyone but you and that's enough for me! :D

    Go breath some fire and eat some villagers if you want to! Or don't! It's completely up to you!

  2. I think it's the most important thing to not give a (flying) fuck what people think or say about you. It's how I survived high school, college, and even now. I'm all kinds of a mess, whether you want to believe it or not - always have been. I'm scared as hell to go out and do the things I want to do, but I do them anyway. I'll be damned if I'll let what people say is "right" or "wrong" control my actions, much less what they may or may not THINK.

    At the end of the day, the person running your life is you. You can believe in fate or divine intervention or what have you if you want, but ever the Higher Powers need a little push from you once in a while. Get their attention by going out in a blaze of glory, screaming:


  3. Well I think Katie and ricefail said it pretty well.

    you're pretty fabulous so who cares what other people think? You have people who will adore you best when you are true to you. Including and maybe especially when you say fuck you I'm a dragon. :)

    I'm glad you won't let people control your life. It can be hard to go from letting others decide to saying fuck you, but the whole fake it til you make it thing worked wonders for me.

    love you darling. <3

  4. Fuck Yeah!! You make that dragon ! And make it the best damn dragon ever!

  5. Bobby: I KNOW, RITE? what's not to love about them?

    Katie: I love the smell of charred flesh in the morning.

    Kris (because typing ricefail just seems so...wrong): Yea, I know all that. It's just a matter of putting all that lovely knowledge into practice that's been my stumbling block.

    Kan: Love you darling. Mucho.

    Daniella: <3 you!

  6. I know you know it. I just wanted to use the FUCK YOU I'M A DRAGON line. No blog post is complete without a meme reference. ~*skill*~

    Also, I have no idea how to post with both my blog and my real name. I like my blog better anyway.

  7. Great post! You inspire me... haha. =)

  8. Nyx, you are fucking awesome.

    That is all.

  9. Kris: Your meme referencing skills astound me. *awe and wonder*


    TJ: yea, you're pretty fucking awesome too.


Because I'm needy.