Monday, May 23, 2011


My cousin got married this past Saturday.

It was a lavish affair filled with the type of insanity that my mother's side of the family specializes in. My mother is the second eldest out of six girls. I get the feeling that Grandpop just wanted one son - instead he got six girls. Of the 20-something cousins I have on mom's side of the family, I only have three male cousins.

All that estrogen is bound to make a family wonky.

The affair was lavish, the food spectacular. I wore a dress, and high heels, and managed to completely girl myself out without looking like a drag queen gone wrong, so points to me for that (I think).

Despite it having been my cousin's wedding, my grandmother is the one who shone.

She's 81 years old, has hair that adds a good two and a half inches to her height, and is a complete and utter diva.

So there I was, sitting at a table with one of my few male cousins, drinking whiskey and making awkward small talk. That is, making awkward small talk until I saw Andrew's mouth gape open and his gaze focus on a point somewhere over my left shoulder.

I turned around, and felt my own jaw drop. I'm sure my eyes widened marginally as well.

There, on the dance floor, was the beloved matriarch of my family, the woman who believes in saving yourself for marriage and is one of the most respectable people I've ever met...that same woman...

Was dancing to Beyonce's Single Ladies.

Hand motions and everything.

She then followed that up with a glass of pinot and a cherry bomb. She thought the bomb was a delightful drink.

My grandmother? Is Fucking Awesome.

She partied late into the wee hours of the morning. I seriously think she keeps her husband, my grandfather, alive by sheer force of will.

You have to understand, my grandmother is a classy dame.

I don't have a single bad memory of either her or my grandfather, and their relationship is everything that I hope for in my future. They got married when she was 19 (so they've been together for about 62 years), and they're still crazy in love with each other. They're that little old couple at the park, sitting on a bench together, that couple that makes hearts melt at the mere sight of their presence.

Except Grandmom wouldn't be caught dead walking around in a park. No, she's more likely to drag Grandpop to the movies, or dancing.

Grandpop hates dancing, but does it anyways because Grandmom loves it.

I hope I inherit her genes.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Pop Star Movie Review!!! Hosting Tits!

Hey lovers,

So today I'm hosting the wonderful...the fabulous...(insert Oprah drama here)...Tits!

I am completely psyched for this, it's kind of embarrassing. Anyway, If you want to see my review, head on over to Krista's blog.


Welcome to Shitty Movie Awareness Club for May! We co-opted the fabulous Mandy Moore into SMAC, so we choose to do Pop-Star movies this month. Because lets be honest most some singers shouldn't act, just because they are musically talented doesn't mean they should do anything else....ever.

Anyways I'm going after Willie Nelson and Jessica Simpson for the awful train-wreck that was the Dukes of Hazzard. Now i should note I have never seen the original Duke of Hazzard tv show, so i went into watching this movie with no preconceived notions of what it should be like except that Daisy Duke was a Brunette and OMG why did they cast Jessica Simpson in that role?

Frankly, the casting in general for the movie kinda sucked. Johnny Knoxville (Luke Duke) is playing the same stupid asshole character he seems to be in real life. Sean William Scott (Bo Duke) is typecast into another role as a blubbering idiot. Willie Nelson (Uncle Jesse) is just one big pot joke the entire movie. Jessica Simpson (Daisy Duke) was cast for the sole purpose of being pretty because her acting in the movie is most limited to her flirting her way into getting someone to do something for her. The only good casting in the movie is Burt Reynolds as Boss Hogg, because Burt Reynolds plays a good bad guy.

The plot is just as abysmal. Luke, Bo and Daisy run a moonshine business for Uncle Jesse. Luke sleeps with every available girl he can find, while Bo is in love with his car, the General Lee. Boss Hogg has an evil plan to round up the farms in the area and turn them into a strip mall coalmine. Of course the Dukes would never give up their farm so Boss Hogg plants a moonshine still on the farm and then seizes the farm under eminent domain. Thus the Duke boys are off to same the farm and the town from Boss Hogg, along the way they end up in Atlanta, Jail, the Hazzard County Road Race Rally, and finally the courthouse to stop the town from being turned into a coalmine. Its by far the most retard plot; It actually wouldn't have been so bad if they didn't keep making all these weird detours into side stories.

But lets get the main culprit here: Jessica Simpson. For a foray into acting, this was the lamest attempt ever. She didn't act; she strolled around being sexy for half the film. In the opening scene she beats the crap out of some guy for hitting on her even though she is wearing shorts so tiny you can see up her ass. In one scene she needs to get information from the local town cop for her cousins, so what does she do?


She shows up in a bikini to seduce the information out of him. I mean how fucking cheap can you get? The best scene in the whole movie for me is where Daisy has to get the roadblock moved so that the Duke boys can get through to save the town. So what does she do? She shows up in skin tight jeans and this tiny top with her boobs falling out to a roadblock claiming she has a flat tire and poor little her can't change it. It almost works too all the male cops are following Daisy until one butch lesbian cop calls them all the other cops out for being idiots who only think with their small heads. The face Jessica Simpson makes at that point is the most acting she does in the entire film.

Plus I will never forgive her for the awful things she did to Nancy Sinatra's These Boots Are Made for Walking for the soundtrack. I happen to love that song and Jessica Simpson ruined it. She took it from a powerful song about a girl being wronged and getting back at the asshole who did it and made it a song about how sexy she is. I mean watch this video and tell me if i am wrong. When i get to the part at the end where she is washing the General Lee, I just want to vomit. Way to set the women's movement back a generation. Willie Nelson is now dead to me for contributing to that trainwreck.